SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok so I’m going to try to condense this as much as possible because there’s been a lot going on in my life and my marriage and it’s only in the last 6 months that I’ve come to appreciate how much of it I was largely unaware of.

So back at the beginning of spring last year I was coming out of my own dark time I’d been stuck in for roughly 6 years. Long story short I had a traumatic experience just prior to the birth of my daughter only I lived the experience for almost 6 months straight. The closet thing to a formal diagnosis I got from any professionals was severe ocd plus anxiety. A few family members have said after looking back on the entire thing that it seemed similar to cptsd . I suppose maybe whatever it was then doesn’t matter too much as far as why I’m here now.

At any rate starting early last spring after finding a great therapist a year prior I started coming to in the sense I was no longer largely stuck in my head simply trying to hold down my gov job and surviving day to day with mental illness. As I started coming to so to speak I stated kind of processing all the thing I remember that happened while I was sick. Meanwhile my wife’s wedding ring broke 2x in a very short time period. (3 times during our marriage) I also happen to find information about infidelity around this time and as I started learning about the signs I realized my wife’s behavior was being described almost to the T.

Sometime early in the process I remember something that occurred several months prior involving a few strange bumps my wife complained about where the sun don’t shine. It was at this point I started investigating and I won’t get too far into details because some of the things I did to get the information I got would probably be considered quite unethical. Anyway to further condense things down I was very alarmed to learn that my wife like hanging out at random houses around town for 2 to 3 hours at a time.usually after going shopping or to mail salon or getting hair done. I later determined at least 2 of these places were vrbos .

As I was discovering this I found some messages that she had exchanged with a family friend , a person I’ve known since high school and go figure also was my best man at our wedding. Needless to say the messages were very flirty and had been deleted days after I discovered them. At this point I dug further and I started putting together more memories I had of their interactions. As the days wore on I came to the conclusion my wife certainly had an affair and most likely with my best man. I can’t be certain how long the affair lasted but the hot message block that was wiped was 6 months worth. Other things I found and going by my own memory I concluded the affair lasted at least 6 month and could have even started prior to me getting sick by 6to 10 month.(so as long as 7 years)

During the time I did a secret paternity test which I’m pretty sure my wife found out about by going through my emails as someone logged in at a time that I wasn’t home and around the time this happened she started saying things like "you she’s your kid right?" At any rate the test indicated she was in fact my child. (Whew) Once the test came back i decided best to try to repair my marriage as it appeared the affair my wife had been having ended several months prior and I’d already noticed a change in her behavior indicating the affair was likely over.

Fast forward several months of us working on things and after a anniversary vacation trip she said the had not felt this good about our relationship since we got engaged which in her mind had been the pinnacle of our relationship. While I was rather elated to hear this I couldn’t help but feel that voice in my head saying but wait what about when we got married? But for some reason she didn’t think that was the best part of our relationship.

Up to this point I’d only expressed concern about her faithfulness once about 7 weeks prior to the trip and she gaslit the living shit outta me and at that stage in the process I was like a deer in headlights and totally botched the process and when I realized how in over my head i was I pretended she had convinced me that I was just crazy and to see my therapist. I’d convinced her to go with me to the therapist and wow did she seem very uncomfortable sitting there. I could totally see her storming out of that place screaming expletives and the entire thing ending very badly so as we dug into things I went with the narrative that my concerns were mostly driven by just the broken rings and lack of sleep.

At any rate things seemed to be going pretty good up until a few weeks after our trip. During all this time I’d been absorbing and analyzing everything my wife said trying to make sense of the new reality I’d found myself in. During the trip I remember her mentioning how if we ever broke up she could totally see herself reaching out for an occasional bootycall assuming I had not cheated on her. At this point I decided to ask her how being with someone else at that point might affect her opinion on engaging in that activity and her reply indicted she’d still be open to considering the idea. I considered this significant as when we first got together she would talk about how much she utterly hated cheaters and would never think of cheating.

Fast forward to a few weeks after the trip and things a going good, but it bothers me every time my wife tells me something I know is a lie in light of what I’ve learned. I actually want her to feel like she doesn’t have to keep lying to me and that I’ve essentially decided to forgive her for the transgressions that occurred while I was sick so one day I decided to compassionately confront her about what I’d learned over during the last few months.

So I compassionately confront my wife with my concerns after things seem to be going so much better and much to my surprise she goes totally and utterly ballistic gaslighting to the extreme and obviously lying and she was so hysterical during it all I was stuck like a deer in headlights again. I remember how during all this she did 4 of the 5 things people typically do when they are lying according to a LE video I watched about how to tell if someone was lying. The thing that blew me away the most was the sheer level of hostility she was conveying. I remember once when we were dating my sister took a crappy photo of my wife supposedly flirting with some random dude and when I confronted her about it she denied it was her but did so with grace compassion and empathy.

The other thing that shocked me during her outburst was she actually said I was only her husband and not her friend and that maybe she should just go out and if she "talks to someone she talks to someone." It seemed clear to me what was being insinuated here and given how great things had been only weeks ago I was too shocked and blown away to be able to articulate an appropriate reaction. At this point given this and other things she had been saying here and there it seemed as if the wife I knew when we got married was no more and now I have the same wife with a different set of values. I will say given what she has told me about some of the dreams she has had and things she has said it’s like she has the bad girl alt ego split ID thing going on in there.

So after the big blowup my wife did the total emotional withdrawal bit unless my daughter was present and this went on for several days. After which she claimed the reason for the blow up was mainly due to an answer I gave to one of the couples questions a day earlier but I really don’t buy that at all. At any rate thus far besides the occasional lie that crops up everything seems to be going pretty good. I can’t say I’ve noticed much that would lead me to suspect my wife is currently having an affair but I do wonder how much longer it will be before the next shoe drops.

One of the challenging and disheartening aspects of this ordeal is the utter lack of resources geared toward someone going through this while also dealing with mental illness. It seems like most of what I have found regarding mental illness and affairs is geared toward BS who has a WS that is mentally Ill but not the other way around. While I’m sure some people might not think it would make that much of a difference I can tell you that in my situation it does. I know this is harder not only for me as a result of what I went through but for my wife as well. I feel like this could be a factor preventing my wife from coming clean or at least admitting that it happened which would be huge for me given beyond that the only other 3 things I’d really want to know is why, the start date and what shit was said about me behind my back.

At this point I’ve learned more about relationships
In the last 6 months then I have during the rest of my entire life and then some. I can honestly say looking back at everything ignorance when it comes to relationships is not bliss ignorance is the highway to hell. In light of that I realize there were issues early on even when dating apparently being a knight in shining armor does not bode well for love and even up until a couple months ago that’s what my wife would describe me as when she remembers me from our dating years. If only I had known then I could have bailed easy.

Now I feel like I’m kinda stuck in this strange mildly intimidating new reality. Things look relatively good on the surface at the moment but I can’t help but feel like the status quo is not stable long term.

Hello JL4A Welcome to SI, sorry you had a reason to find us but glad you did. There is so much to unpack here but first understand this isn't your fault or the result of a bad marriage. She cheated, she broke the M. I would point you to the Healing Library on the main page and the pinned topics in the Just Found Out forum.

Gently, you cannot compassionately confront her, she has destroyed your family and M. This is war, you have to protect yourself and your child. You say things seem good now, of course they do she has manipulated you into submission. Things are not better she has successfully quieted you. You need to read and implement the 180, you need to get tested for STD's. You need to take charge here and stop letting her run the show.

I’m sorry to read this because what I’ve read is heartbreaking 💔.

I don’t see a successful reconciliation between you and your wife unless she changes. She appears, based in your description of the situation, to be abusive and very manipulative.

You certainly deserve better.

Perhaps stick with your own individual counseling for now. You need the support because it is very hard to live with a liar and gaslighter.

You need a plan on how to manage your life knowing what you know. I think a counselor can be very helpful in helping you figure out what is best for you.

You can't make her come clean. Not even torture can guarantee getting the truth.

You report 2 problems: 1) healing from PTSD, and 2) healing from your W's lies and infidelity/infidelities, which in themselves are exacerbating your PTSD.

My advice is to figure out your answers to a lot of questions, including:

What have you done and what are you doing to heal from PTSD? What are you doing to heal from being betrayed.

Have you directly asked your W about an A(ffair)? Has she denied that? Are her denials credible? Or has she admitted cheating?

What is she doing to change from cheater to good partner?

Do you know what you want? If so, do you want to divorce or reconcile?

Do you have requirements for R, if that's what you want?

*****

Once you know where you want to go, you can gather your resources, make plans, and start on your journey.

I'm really sorry you're hurting. Understand that infidelity is traumatic, and it probably triggers your memories of every other trauma you've experienced in your life. It's totally reasonable for you to find yourself close to despair.

But where there's life, there's hope - and you're posting here shows you've got a lot of lif ein you.

Thanks for the replies. At this point I’m leaning toward continuing attempting reconciliation and will probably continue down this path for at least the short term. Not only have I already put quite a bit of effort into this path already but I have not put myself into an ideal position for the "war" path.

In fact I’d stand to lose a lot on that path and don’t see myself choosing that option unless I discover my wife has restarted her previous affair or a new one or the situation notably worsens in some other way. The two main problems with the war path are as follows.

1 70% of my wealth is tied up in in my home. My wife contributed 0 to its purchase but the laws in my state mean she owns 50% of it so in the event of divorce I stand to lose a lot more financially then she does.

2 I was in bad shape mentally for years and unfortunately some of the so called professionals help I got during this time was anything but. One of the ass wipes I went to gave me poisonous drugs and recommended I be institutionalized and I expect this would come up in court if I try to get divorced and complicate any ‘war’ effort.

The biggest concern I have going forward is that something about this situation just feels unstable and unsustainable long term. After spending months letting my ocd work for me instead of against me. I’ve probably read more about relationships and affairs in the last 6 months then some people do in an entire lifetime. Now as i said in my previous post one area I couldn’t find much information on was how being a BS that has had or is having trouble with mental illness impacts the recovery process for both BS and WS.

This brings me to why I ultimately came here. My hope being that some people here might either have first hand experience with such a situation or maybe known someone that did go through this in the way I did in the hope I can get a bit better idea of what to expect next.

[This message edited by Juslookin4advice at 2:35 AM, Wednesday, November 8th]

JustLookin, you said you’ve read massively over the past 6 months. Have you been reading here all that time? I suspect not since if you had, you’d know your passive/submissive approach has a zero percent chance of success. Here’s a few basic truths:

- Never confront without evidence (like printouts of text msgs etc)
- never do the "pick me dance"
- never accept any blame for her A’s
- you must be willing to lose your marriage to save it (esp. if you want R)
- seek legal advice what a D would look like for you
- determine if you live in an at-fault state, use for leverage if yes
- there’s zero chance for true R without 1000% truth and TRUE remorse
- there’s a huge difference between regret & remorse. Learn it!

If you’re in too rough of shape to do the above, implement the 180 and work as hard as you can at healing yourself. Bring all this to your therapist and ask to work on fighting your passivity and fears, then come up with a plan. We will help vet it for you.

Keep posting and we wish you the best!

I’m so sorry you are here. So much trauma you have been through. Please , please take care of yourself and your daughter. The amount of lack of empathy our wayward spouses have during and after the affair is just mind boggling. The gaslighting you experienced was awful. Especially since you were struggling with depression. My stbx gaslighted the crap out of me after she got caught 5 years into our marriage. At the time I thought that deep down inside she was a good person that got caught up in some bad decisions. How wrong I was. Looking back at our attempt at R , she really was not even a good person. She just gave me enough to give me hope to continue the marriage until she had a way out . She didn’t care about anyone but herself. In the end I was married to a drunk , cheater ,liar and hoarder .

Reconciliation takes and incredible amount of work. Especially for the wayward. Not just lip service, but real work. My stbx never made our marriage safe . Instead she would constantly use social media to play "boyfriend roulette". I realize I deserve better and I’ll be better off without that toxic woman in my life.

I hope you can find a counselor who can support you during this trauma.

You can refuse medication if it is offered. And it may not be necessary for you. But a good counselor may be hard to find but it is worth trying.

Best of luck.

Rugsweeping is not a permanent solution. Unless your W is willing to come clean and commit to no more lies, and to changing from cheater to good partner you're rugsweeping.

In all likelihood, a D won't ever come to trial, because of the expense. In all likelihood, your settlement will be about 50-50, unless you agree to a different split.

If your W remains a poor candidate for R, the sooner you find out, the better. Right now, half of virtually everything you save is hers. If you D, all of everything you save is yours.

Your past history is largely irrelevant to D, though it's relevant to your healing.

I'm not saying your W will never become a good candidate for R. I'm saying that you need to change your thinking about D, and you need to figure out how long you'll wait for your W to change.

SI is a terrific site, possibly the best at what it does. That’s why I have been hanging around for all these years.
There is however one problem with us…
This is a site of hammers, and everything we see is a nail. Nails are simple: you either hit them or pull. Only our nails are affairs, and we tend to see them everywhere.

What you describe indicates infidelity but… nothing PROVES it.
This coming from the guy that occasionally reminds posters that we only need "good enough" evidence. It’s "good enough" for us to be told the spouse was making out with someone else or was seen entering room 69 at the Luvers Motel ten minutes after someone of the opposite sex. We don’t need signed affidavit, DNA or glossy pics. It’s enough that WE are convinced. Yet… what you describe would probably not meet my requirements…

There is a danger that we make our "evidence" fit our conclusion.
Could you list some of the flirty messaging? Like there is a difference between "your biceps are big" and "I like big sausage" or "you are the best lover I have ever had".
The vrbos might be to meet Mr. Wonderful but could also be Tupperware parties or to bet on the horses or Tarot readings or whatever.

Not saying she didn’t cheat, but rather that there could be other less painful reasons.

What I can promise you is that in my view it is 100% impossible for you two to have a good marriage with this suspicion hanging around. This is something that needs to be cleared up.
We have SO MANY instances here where a spouse comes clean decades after an affair. The normal story is that they went through a rough patch but the last years have been the BEST. When you are in a good marriage you can’t commit carrying this secret. It’s better to let it out and deal with the aftermath.
In your instance… I would seriously consider what you want. If discovering an affair is a deal-breaker… then consider if you can deal with your doubts. Note I’m not saying they are false, but rather that they are inconclusive. I personally would want to see them through to the truth.

If you think there is an ongoing affair then wait. Be prepared for the next time she goes to get her hair done and follow her to her rendevouz, or place a VAR in the car, or crack into her phone-bill or whatever. If she’s cheating you will catch her.

If its in the past… well… communications…

Tell your wife something along these lines:
Wife – I love you and want to be married to you forever. You know of the issues I have been having and I appreciate the support and that we are still together. However… there are certain things that make me suspect something took place… I need assurances to move on. What I need is the truth and a way to verify that truth.
I saw some flirty messaging I heard your vehicle was parked outside XXX when you said you were at the hairdressers (and whatever else you want to share to support your doubts… doesn’t have to be the truth… could say a friend saw you with someone else or saw her leave her car and enter MainStreet 555 or whatever or someone sent you an email…)

I will make you this promise: Whatever truth you share with me now will be OK. It will be the first step in confirming you trust me with the truth and that we can carry on creating the marriage we deserve. Even if that is an admittance of an affair or some issue.
At some point I might want confirmation of the truth – for example by hypnosis or a polygraph – but I promise you that I will work with the truth.
This is mutual – you can ask me anything and I will answer truthfully.

I am 100% certain that without this assurance there will be a block holding us from happiness.

Ok so I’ve gotten a rough overview of the 180 and I’ve kind of drifted more towards that direction by default given I’ve run through most of the relationship rescue stuff I read about and have started to spend some of the time I’d been spending doing that preparing for the possibility that things will go south at some point down the road.

By preparing I mean taking stock of my strengths and weaknesses and doing the same of my wife’s in the event the situation starts deteriorating which I’m assuming will likely play out as her restarting the previous affair or starting a new one. Should that happen I’ve decided I’d go with a plan that has similarities to 180 but is a bit more aggressive and I’ve come to refer to as MINO protocol.

Now what I’m currently hoping is that over the course of the next year or so as my wife realizes I’m not going to relapse she might begin to open up a bit more about what happened. This far the closest I’ve gotten from my wife as far as confessions go is a response to me telling her there are not be any more mulligans in the marriage going forward. Her replay was "no more hankie panky?" At which point clearly said no.

At any rate my wife treatment towards me has improved markedly compared to how she had been treating me during the affair. The few times this wasn’t the case was when I directly inquired about the affair the, discovery process of which I botched pretty badly, likely contributing to the situation I’m in now. My wife has put some effort into the marriage since the affair ended. She’s insisted on the family eating dinner together during the week with no tv. She has also started going to the church that her bestie/wing girl and her husband started going to shortly after the affair ended and has encouraged me to take part and go with her. My wife has also stop guarding her phone and leaves it around unattended frequently.

My wife has also been leaving her Facebook account logged in on the family pc and gmail account as well. My wife hardly ever goes out anymore and is certainly easier to get ahold of when she does vs when she was having the affair. She has also started become more affectionate both in pubic and private vs how she was during the affair. Now what I’m not sure about is how much of this change is driven by me having recovered and being able to function better socially and to some extent more generally or if this change in behavior is more attributable to the affair having ended.

I will say if I had known what I know now at the start of this ordeal the present situation would be likely be drastically different. Most likely I would either gotten my wife to get professional assistance in becoming a person that isn’t broken since that’s clearly what she was and most certainly still is or the marriage would have ended. I do think that given what I know about her and her AP that them taking a shot a serious LTR or marriage and having it actually go anywhere was not very likely. In fact I suspect part of the reason things fell apart there is they were not on the same page as far as going for something along those lines. Having said that I don’t feel I’m competing with the AP and don’t think I ever was, well not knowingly anyway. I also say I take a limited sense of satisfaction in knowing in turned out that way without me actively doing anything to undermine it. I really feel at that at this point I’ve been doing what I can to make the marriage more appealing and entertaining reducing the chance of a future affair.

If the future affair does come to pass I’ll be far more prepared to confront it then I had been previously. I can also say I think it’s far less likely I’d botch D2 like I did D1 which would be helpful for me in convincing my limited support network to lend aid should things take a turn for the worse and I end up in an exceedingly nasty divorce.

Thanks for sharing more of your current situation and what your WW is currently doing.

I am replying to simply point out, that in my view, this sentence is very incorrect thinking:

"I really feel at that at this point I’ve been doing what I can to make the marriage more appealing and entertaining reducing the chance of a future affair."

Nothing you can currently do, nothing you did or didn’t do caused your WW to cheat. Period. She cheated because she is broken and has a serious character flaw she needs to work on. She vowed to be faithful as long as she is married to you, no matter the status of your M or the status of your mental health. This is a vow she made to you and to herself. What you are implying is that her fidelity is dependent on your behavior. If she is resentful if you don’t take out the garbage or empty the dishwasher she is entitled to cheat? People in total happy marriages cheat. Celebrities cheat. The reason for infidelity lies within the cheater, not the M. It doesn’t matter how appealing the M is, the M is not the problem causing her to cheat. She is the problem. If she was terribly unhappy in your M she had the legitimate option to work with you to change, and if that failed, separate or D. Cheating is never justified. My point is, unless she does a lot of soul searching and digs deep to figure out her own brokenness that allowed her to betray you, you risk further infidelity moving forward. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:16 AM, Thursday, November 9th]

Ok I’d like to start out by saying I fully understand that my wife has issues that make it harder for her to resist engaging in destructive behaviors. I also fully understand that at some point she made a conscious decision to do something that she knew was wrong and continued engaging in that behavior for an extended period of time.

Now having said that I can’t just accept that there’s absolutely nothing that I could have done that could have prevented me from finding myself in the situation I currently find myself in. Looking back at when I first started dating my wife there were huge red flags that I totally missed. I still remember when we first started dating she would say to me how she couldn’t understand why I was dating her and why someone like myself would choose her. At that time in my life and even up until rather recently I was a very ignorant person when it comes to relationships, so at the time I viewed her remarks as an odd type of compliment rather then the huge red flag I’ve come to realize it was. There were some other red flags that I missed as well but that one was the one that clearly indicated she had some real issues.

As you can probably guess I’ve gone back through the history of our relationship with all this new found knowledge I’ve acquired and taken note of things like I mentioned above. In light of all that it’s hard for me to fathom that I’d still be in the position I’m in now if I wasn’t so ignorant back when I was dating my wife. I’m inclined to think that if I knew about red flags back then she would have never become my wife in the first place and would like be some other persons WW. I also take some level of comfort knowing that if the worse comes to pass and my marriage fails I’ll be far less likely to end up with another broken person.

[This message edited by Juslookin4advice at 4:18 PM, Thursday, November 9th]

Now having said that I can’t just accept that there’s absolutely nothing that I could have done that could have prevented me from finding myself in the situation I currently find myself in.

Your wife's fidelity is in no way dependent on you. I mean, look, I get it, one of the hardest parts about being new to the betrayed spouse side of this all is that you have lost control and in some senses it makes you a victim. Being a victim sucks, because you feel powerless, because you are and always have been in this sense. The reality is that you never had any control over here. The only person in the whole world that you can control and the only person you've only ever been able to control is you. As a spouse, we like to think that you had some level of influence over our spouse and for the most part, in a healthy relationship, sans infidelity, that is largely true. Oftentimes, that influence you do have feels like you have some level of control over them, but that is an illusion and can honestly be a bit of a prison of the mind.

I mean, think about it, if your wife's fidelity to the marriage was dependent on you, she could justify an affair for almost an unlimited number conflicts or disagreements in your marriage. Say your wife asked for your help with taking the trash out to the curb, you agreed, then got sidetracked and forgot (it's happened to all of us)...is it now okay that she goes out and fucks some other guy because you aren't "meeting her needs"? Hell...fucking...no...it is not okay for her to have an affair because you aren't meeting her needs. She is a grown ass woman, she can meet her own fucking needs or at the very least, she can voice her needs like a grownup and not a petty fucking child. This my friend is what we refer to as the "unmet needs" model and it is quite pervasive in our culture for how we view infidelity. It's the classic, "Tom cheated on his wife Sara, because she isn't meeting his needs in the bedroom" when the reality is that Tom has a hole(s) inside him that make it alright for his fidelity to be conditional.

Again, I will reiterate, I understand what you are saying and it's coming from a place of hurt and anguish, but I'm also here to tell you that you need to unburden yourself of any responsibility for your wife's infidelity. Nothing you did caused your wife to cheat. It wasn't your snoring, it wasn't how you left your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, it wasn't any of those things. It was very simple, your wife wanted to pursue a relationship with someone(s) else and she did so. I mean, you didn't take a wedding vow forsaking all others except for when your wife feels the urge to fuck someone else and only if you monitor her activity like a hawk and keep her from straying. You took a solemn vow of fidelity and you both agreed to those terms. Your wife choose, again, emphasis on the word, CHOOSE of her own volition to have an affair.

Juslookin4:

I get what you are saying: "you saw the red flags, but didn’t realize what they meant for her future behavior, and you married her anyway. And if you had known more about relationships you wouldn’t be where you are now." Welcome to the club! Love blinds! I think we all are somewhat naive, and tend to minimize the red flags in our romantic relationships. I know I did. So please don’t beat yourself up for marrying her. You still have a legitimate expectation of fidelity. She has the capacity to make the right choices. You have been heard. You will be more aware moving forward whether you choose to R or to D. Good luck.

.

1 70% of my wealth is tied up in in my home. My wife contributed 0 to its purchase but the laws in my state mean she owns 50% of it so in the event of divorce I stand to lose a lot more financially then she does.

IANAL

Just noting:

If her name is NOT on the mortgage, meaning the house is financed solely in your name, it is likely that the mortgage/title company required her to sign a quit claim deed at the time of closing. This essentially means legally she forfeited any interest in the home, and legally, regardless of community property laws, the house is yours and she has no right to it.

Now--- with that said, you have likely used communal property to pay for this mortgage each month, which means she *may* have a legal claim or argument on any INCREASE in value of the home.

But I would check to see if this quit claim deed applies in your situation. It may take some burden of stress off if you know you may only have to pay for a portion of the home's value increase, vs giving up half the house.

If you purchased the home prior to marriage--- and her name is not on the title or mortgage-- I think she would also only have a legal marital claim on a value increase during the marriage, and not any ownership of the home itself..

Update so far things seem to be going pretty good overall at least as far as my wife not going back to or starting another affair. Some of my wife’s other more problematic behaviors also seem to continue improving and she displays more appreciation toward me and compliments me way more often then she did when she was having her affair. The only thing that seems off is the physical intimacy and I only say that because there were times while the affair was in progress that it seemed things were better in this regard. Also for a short period after the affair things seemed really good ( for maybe a week n a half ) . The most troubling part of this is I don’t really know significant this is in the overall scheme of things. I’m not sure if this is going to be the new normal or if this is just another stage of the post affair process that will be a memory a year down the road. I just wish the only version of normal I can use as a reference point was prior to when I started having issues which was over 7 years ago now.

At any rate I’ve been continuing to prepare for the possibility things could go south again while also taking some measures to hopefully reduce the chance of that happening as well. Sadly I’m rather limited in what I can do about my apartment given the laws in my state and how it’s presently owned free n clear, so hopefully things don’t go sideways to such an extent that divorce becomes the only option. I have been working on making myself more attractive to my wife and verbally she has indicated I’m making progress in that regard. Now why that along with the confidence in brings doesn’t seem to have helped heat things up otherwise is a bit beyond me. Heck in some ways I’d say I’m actually better then I was in every regard just prior to when I got sick so many years ago. I can also say without any question that I have the former AP beat in every metric besides star sign and myer Briggs type compatibility with my WS.

I’m just hoping that a year from now I’ll be able to look back and say what initially seemed like a situation with a very bleak outlook in terms of R was able to be turned around. On another positive side note I’ve also noticed the former AP name mentioned less frequently as time has gone on so I’m assuming this means the AP is not on WS mind as much as when ordeal started.

Things WILL go south again. Because she's still very much a ws.

There's more to no longer being a ws, than just not cheating.

She's still lying to you.

She didn't cheat because the ap was better. She cheated because of her issues. Until she admits what she's done, those issues are still there.

You are rugsweeping,and doing the pick me dance. That never works.

Ever.

The actions I’m taking is as much about putting me in a better position to move on as it is to try to make me more attractive to my wife. My wife is also telling people how much better I’m doing which isn’t going to garner any sympathy for her if she strays again. My support network will also be more inclined to help me hire a divorce attorney who’s heart flutters when he hears Lestats sonata if my wife strays again after how good things have gotten. As you might have guessed some of the people I’ll be glad to have helping me when things go bad had marriages that survived infidelity and so I’m kind of expected to put an honest good faith effort into fixing things as best I can. I can honestly say at this point I have done that I’ll also add that my WS probably knows the AP can’t really and probably doesn’t want to try to replace me. If my wife does mess up with him again I’ll definitely be leveraging that knowledge when I go from carrot to stick method of addressing issues.

You can read my story in my signature. My WW affair and the emotional abuse in the aftermath put me in the nuthouse getting electro shock therapy. I agreed to R when I came out to try and save the family but I see now she never really tried. Pretty sure she started up the affair again. I ended up getting fired because of the breakdown and even in that vulnerable state she wanted to go and get an apartment and leave me in the big grand house she chose looking after the kids and needing to find 6 grand a month to pay for everything.

So I left. And it’s been hell and I hate not seeing my kids every day because I am in another country. But I had to get away from that toxic environment.

My point is, do the 180 and do it hard.